I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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