Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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