tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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