We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
