I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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