I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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