I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
