i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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