Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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