I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
