I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
