i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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