if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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