i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
