we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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