Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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