Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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