I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
