come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
