oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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