Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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