Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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