so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
