He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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