who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
