um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
