If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
worst night to have a conscience
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
