she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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