You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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