i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
