3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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