Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
