well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
