He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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