it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
