While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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