I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
