So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
