Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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