Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
