why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
