pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
