i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
