Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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