so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
