Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
