Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize