the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
