How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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