mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
