One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm just crazy horny about you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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