im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
