The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
