She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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