I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
