just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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