all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
