What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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