I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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