Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
