masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
sex in a hospital.. check
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
